eDating Deficiencies
by Ted Slater on 11/28/2006 at 11:00 AM
Singles for millenia have rightly turned to others for help in their search for a mate. Parents, matchmakers, friends, pastors and other "agencies" have been eagerly enlisted to facilitate marriages made in heaven. It's nothing new.
The "agencies" currently in mode include online dating services such as eHarmony, Match.com, ChristianSingles.com, Relationships.com and others.
Let me be honest. When I hear a commercial for one of these services, I bristle. I cringe because I believe they promise too much, providing a false expectation of how relationships develop. Here are some specific dangers I've seen in online dating services:
1) They make singles think that if they do all the work up-front, selecting "just the right person for me," then the rest of the relationship will be a breeze. We've discussed the dangers of "soul-matism" in depth on Boundless (here, here, and here, for example), pointing out that sometimes people marry, experience some struggles, determine that they haven't married their "soul mate," and then divorce and go on to look for that "soul mate." The truth is that even when you marry "the one," relationships require sacrifice and hard work to succeed.
2) They make singles fear that if they haven't intentionally considered their "29 Key Dimensions of Compatibility," then they may be missing something. The truth is that happy marriages have been taking place since Adam and Eve; while there's some value to knowing who you are and how you can best serve someone in marriage, you are not falling short by being unaware of all those dimensions. In my more cynical moments, I sometimes wonder if the founders of these online dating agencies feel they've missed out on "the one" because they didn't have the proper tools available to make a wise and informed decision about whom to marry.
3) They seem to bring out the worst in some men. I've heard many stories from disillusioned single women who've been "matched" with a guy, and that guy leads them on for a while, and then just dumps them in favor of another one of their matches. As Jerry Seinfeld said, "Guys don't want to see what's on television -- they want to see what else is on television." Because there are many more women than men in the dating databases, they can afford to be more cavalier in their online dating interactions; eDating services seem to facilitate that.
I could go on, but I'll stop. Candice addresses these and other concerns in an article she wrote for Boundless, "Browsing for a Mate." I'd be interested in hearing what experiences some of you have had with eDating sites: whether you've found it a positive or negative experience, whether you've found a spouse through one of them, and how you see them affecting the dating scene.
1. Brooke said the following at 11:25 AM on Nov 28
My husband and I met online!! But the rest of our relationship has just been like any other, it still takes love and committment. I think meeting online gets a bad reputation. It can be good sometimes!!
2. Jessica said the following at 11:35 AM on Nov 28
Thanks....I was just wondering yesterday what a Boundless perspective on eDating might be...
I admit I signed up for eHarmony once....but mainly to do the personality questionnaire and see how I'd changed after two years overseas....but I can't say I haven't thought of really giving it a try, for lack of relationships occurring through other outlets here in my city. But I have determined not to go the route of internet relationships -- one, I need to be away from my computer and interacting with PEOPLE and two, it's too easy for someone to pretend to be someone else. My heart is too valuable to be toyed with and if it's going to be broken I'd rather it be done after getting to know someone for real, not some "phantom" person. As a woman, I need to keep the person real, and reduce any opportunity to create a "fantasy perfect" world that has been taught by our culture since childhood.
3. Mike Theemling said the following at 11:42 AM on Nov 28
"When a woman complains, 'No one is asking me out', it often really means 'No one I AM INTERESTED IN is asking me out."
I think everyone has some minimum threshold standard out there. Let's say for Joe Single it's a 4 (out of 10). But he'd much rather be in a pool of 6's or 7's (or higher). So if his regular pool of acquaintences consists of a lot of 4-5's and a few 6+, he might hold out because he doesn't want to commit to a 4 when an 8 might come walking in next week. However, if his pool is full of nothing but 1-2's he might very well jump at the first 4 that comes through the door. Or he might just leave for an environment as stated beforehand. As harsh as this may sound, I think everyone (male and female) do this to some extent. We are brought up in a culture where we need to leave all our options open for as long as possible.
The huge problem with the advent of online dating is that it gives us the ILLUSION that our entire community now consists of a plethora of 7's, 8's, and even a decent number of 9's and 10's. Therefore, one NEVER needs to settle for a 6 and certainly not his minimum 4. Of course what the websites fail to mention in their fine print is, "Oh by the way, everyone thinks this way now." So unless you were a 7 or 8 in your local pool of singles to begin with, odds are you will never be given any serious thought by anyone. All the online scene does is makes unrealistic expectations and raises everyone's minimum threshold up while at the same time lowering his/her own number down.
From a guy's perspective, I will say that although the perception as a whole is that men are more picky than women and not as interested in commitment, some initial research (through my own data gathering) shows that women are no less picky than men. On a dating website (a Christian no less) despite INITIATING contact with about 20 ladies online and making clear I am interested in marriage/family, and meet a lot of a girl's "checklist" I got completely ignored by 18 of them, 1 said "Thanks I got your e-mail" and only 1 gave a decent response. The reality is what we say we want and what we really want in a man/women are often different.
It's almost like a paradox in our society (Christian or not). We KNOW that the whole point of dating is to try and find a marriage partner, but it's taboo to bring up the "M" word early on.
4. Tami said the following at 12:07 PM on Nov 28
Great post.
I remember discussing online dating with a group of people. One girl said, "It only costs $X for a year membership to this site." I replied, "Who wants to belong for a YEAR, with no guarantee of meeting someone? I can meet many someones on my own, in that amount of time, for free."
I was (sort of) joking, but to my mind, that's the thinking these services foster: Put down your money, and you'll find the love of your life. Kind of symptomatic of our consumer culture.
No matter how we meet, God (and not a personality test or a dating website)is still in charge of the meeting and the developing relationship. And let's not forget... Isaac and Rebekah met perfectly and providentially, but even their relationship was not without its difficulties!
5. Jacob said the following at 2:13 PM on Nov 28
Out of sheer bordem, or a desire to procrastinate on homework, I did an eHarmony personality profile and found out that I'm a part of the 11% of the population that they can't help, so it's kind of a moot point for me any way....lol
That said, if you want to meet Godly singles, find a ministry somewhere to volunteer with.
6. Emily said the following at 2:15 PM on Nov 28
My fiance and I actually met on one of the eDating websites. In our experience, it was a great way to "meet" new people in the area when we were frustrated by a lack of options at work or church, and to also be able to get to know something about the other person (Christian, etc) before meeting in person. We both firmly believe that God had his hand in our joining the site, which was something fairly out of character for each of us. We went in with fairly low expectations (neither of us really believed we'd ever actually get married), but ended up finding each other. Of course, we only e-mailed for a week before going on our first date, and have been together ever since (so there was little opportunity to build up a "fantasy" relationship).
I do agree that the idea that being matched on 29 different personality points breeds a false sense of needing an exact match for a relationship to work, and that such an exact match will mean smooth sailing. We have discovered how "perfectly" God has matched us throughout our relationship, but it's been a slow and wonderful discovery, and hasn't meant that we haven't had to work at things again and again.
In my opinion, online dating CAN be a good way to meet new people if that's something you have trouble doing in your current situation, but it's no more likely to lead to marriage than any other dating avenue!
7. Sherie said the following at 2:15 PM on Nov 28
It's always interesting to read other's opinions on eDating. For my own part, my opinion has varied back and forth from one side of the argument to the other, sometimes cynical, sometimes curious. I've tried match.com and found out quickly that a profile only skims the surface of who a person really is, and often a Christian would turn out to be Christian in name only, more interested in dating the way everyone else in the world does.
I gave up for a while and a promotion finally got me to try eHarmony. I'm on the third month of my 3-month subscription, and I've found it to be a great resource and mostly positive experience. While the profiles still can't tell you everything, I've been introduced to so many strong Christian men and my belief that there are still people out there who view dating from a Christian perspective has been bolstered ten-fold! I've been introduced to a lot of people I never would have met otherwise and learned a few things about myself in the process. I am very grateful for that opportunity.
I think the best way to approach eDating is with a whole lot of prayer, and the right perspective and expectations. In the end, I don't feel it guarantees any more success than traditional dating, 29 dimensions or not, and you still have to keep your guard up, but it might just open up the opportunity for God to introduce you to someone you never would have expected or had the chance to meet otherwise. To me, that's worth the risk!
8. Rachel Gray said the following at 2:17 PM on Nov 28
There aren't "many more women than men in the dating databases" -- it's just the opposite! Men way outnumber women in the online dating world; eHarmony is the exception with more women than men.
I've been on eHarmony, which definitely promises too much in its advertising. But I just looked at it as a way to be introduced to singles, and for that purpose it was excellent. A few of my matches seemed like just what I was looking for; I dated one for a while and he was a fine Christian man. I'm still single but I'd do eHarmony again if I felt it was God's will.
I agree that e-dating has the disadvantages Ted Slater mentions, but one advantage is that it's possible to use your profile to scare off incompatible matches faster than you could in real life. I wrote on mine that I want to be a stay-at-home mom. No doubt some men were turned off by that, but I figured the kind of man I wanted would be willing to proceed. One match I had wrote that he wanted a woman who tithes. I thought that was a clever way to try to measure a woman's Christian committment and discipline. She can *say* she loves the Lord, but if she gives Him ten percent of her income, that's one sign she means it!
9. Caroline said the following at 4:21 PM on Nov 28
I have been accused of having "the patience of a saint," but my patience runs pretty thin when I read of men having trouble getting responses (online or in person) from women, as in the post from Mike Theemling. Who are these women?!
I (a female) appreciate Mike's acknowledgement that the complaint of "no one is asking me out" OFTEN means otherwise, but at the same time, I can attest to the fact that it often means exactly what is said: NO ONE is asking! Personally, I confess to being guilty of rejecting the advances of one male I wasn't interested in. He was older than all 4 of my grandparents. I wish I were joking.
To the great, single Christian men (of whom there are many!) reading this post, I am the single gal at your church who is such a fixture of the community that you've probably ceased to notice.
10. Elizabeth said the following at 4:55 PM on Nov 28
My husband and I met online too, soon after I finished reading "Getting Serious about Getting Married". Someone above mentioned the dangers of fantasy relationships. I agree that online relationships have a greater potential than most for idealizing the other person. That said, all relationships suffer from that danger. It is a person's approach to dating/courting that really matters. For example, both my husband and myself were looking for a significant other. We were both Christian. After 8 months together, we married. (Actually, our big ceremony is scheduled for next year, but we married sooner for financial reasons.) Point being, we approached dating with serious attitudes about forming a God-centered family. People like this can be found online or in "real" life.
11. Chris Brazelton said the following at 8:28 PM on Nov 28
While the problems of "soul-matism" and the consumer approach to dating may sour the eDating experience, eDating sites also promote relationship forming habits that are not conducive to commitment. My experience with eDating has convinced me that eDating sites seem to increase the pool of available singles that members can meet, but they do not negate the hard truth that long distance relationships often fail. eDating sites encourage false expectations, while failing to deliver means for supporting the bonds that are formed.
12. Leah said the following at 9:20 PM on Nov 28
I know people who have had some contact in real life yet really got to know each other online, which is how a relationship started. My best friend was in a kids leadership team with another guy -- they knew each other's names, what group the other lead, but had never actually MET each other and so that was about it. Somehow they got each other's emails and started chatting online.
This is an entirely different sort of "internet dating". They haven't conducted their relationship online but it IS how they 'met'. (I don't think simply knowing someone's name constitutes meeting them.)
The internet is not all bad when it comes to establishing relationships.
13. Jake said the following at 8:16 AM on Nov 29
Caroline, it is kind of funny how we can have experiences that are polar opposites, isn't it? My own experience has been similar to Mike Theemling's. I've been on eHarmony for several months now and have yet to get as far as a telephone conversation. Most of the "matches" who have initiated contact with me I have not felt much reciprocal interest in, and most of the ones I initiate contact with and have been truly interested in tend to close on me before we reach open communication. Based on my own experience, it's difficult to see where this notion that it gives men an unfair advantage comes from.
14. erin said the following at 10:09 PM on Nov 29
I tried eHarmony for 3 months, and while I had some good experiences, I also had some rather painful ones. The problem I had with eHarmony (or the biggest problem, I should say), is that the way you get to know someone is often based on artifice: the match can control what information he gives me, and I can decide how much I want to share as well, or if I even want to be honest about who I really am. Furthermore, I found in two cases in particulare that while I felt things in the relationship were advancing to a more romantic plane, the guys on the other end just thought we were "friends" (because naturally I signed up for eHarmony to make "friends"). The emotional intimacy that eDating sites often create can be misleading and lead to a false sense of security, of feeling as though you know a person better than you actually do. I cancelled my subscription after realizing that I was in danger of falling in love with someone I hadn't even met in person, and for me that wasn't a healthy thing. Emails and phone calls are great, but if there's no relationship with it, they don't work for me.
15. Ame said the following at 11:07 PM on Nov 29
i find mike's comment on 4's or 5's or 7's or 8's, etc, interesting. during my 20 year marriage, i was around and friends with many married couples ... especially wives. after several years of marriage have passed, five, ten, fifteen, and you've been around each other for awhile, people loosen up. what one has perceived to be an 8 to 10 is really a negative something within the marriage. what was perceived to be a 2 or 3 turned out to be a 20 in a marriage!
some combined "wisdom" (certainly not all mine) i would share when "searching" for a "perfect marriage partner" would be:
look at their heart. sure, you've got to be able to stand to look at them and "smell" them,(yes, i am serious - you will hear spouses say, "I miss his/her smell" when separated for travel, etc ;) but their heart will outlast their appearance ... and you, as their spouse, have a LOT more influence in drawing out the beauty of your spouse than you probably realize. most people will thrive and bloom within the intimacy of one who is deeply intimate with their Almighty God, who prays for and with and over their spouse every day, who is humble and teachable and willing.
has this person reached / is this person reaching, their full potential with what God has given them and desires for them?
is this person teachable? this is HUGE! my mentor is 70 something, and she amazes me when she willingly allows God to teach her something through me! we all get "set in our ways," but when our desire is to be and become all God created us to be and become, we remain teachable.
who and what do you see reflected in their eyes, in their heart, in their actions, in their life? is that reflection something you want to live with forever?
(i will add this b/c i am divorced and you're wondering where i have a platform to give marriage advice: i married a wonderful man who allowed Satan to seep into his mind thru pornography and took it to sick places. i spent a looong time in biblical counseling and can honestly hold my head up and tell you i did everything i could to save my marriage. in the end, he still got to make his own choices. he was a man with great potential, great abilities and gifts and talents ... all thrown away to a sick addiction. i didn't make all the best choices when i met him and married him, and i wasn't the perfect wife. but i loved God with all my heart and soul and mind and body. and i loved my husband. ironically, he grew up an MK on the mission field, and i grew up in a really abusive family.)
16. niki said the following at 9:19 AM on Apr 14
Posting this here, where I originally meant to... but I just accidentally posted it to another similar article!
Anyway,
I'd just like to give some advice for anyone gutsy enough to try "eDating"! From someone who's been there...
1. Recognize that you are taking a risk. C'est la vie!
2. Resist all non-realistic, wishful-thinking thoughts... they will pop up whether you expect them to or not! Be prepared. Consider the what-if's.. But *don't* obsess over them.
3. Slow. Down.
Seriously, take it easy. Take your time replying to emails. Think it through. Be completely honest. Give people the benefit of the doubt. *And* be discerning.
4. Pray ten times harder about this than you normally do about dating and romance. Especially if you "meet" someone you like.
5. Get as many people involved as you can. You'll have to get over the social stigma attached to the "I met someone online" explanation. Just tell other Christians flat-out and then ask them for their input and prayer. Be sensitive, respectful, and confident in the Lord.
6. Pray before visiting the website or even turning on the computer!
I had been praying to meet someone for several weeks, and then found a *free* online dating site totally at random while surfing the web (it was not a Christian site)... I "met" my Christian boyfriend a year ago on that site, about 2 weeks after I joined. Without praying, I do not believe I would have come to that website. I seriously doubt I'd ever have paid money and then done a 29-questions survey to find a date (not that there's anything wrong with it). I had enough guys interested in me (and I still do) if I wanted to *just* find a date. I wanted to find God's will.
7. Did I mention, you need to pray? A lot!
Hope it helps ;)